may 8, 2016
Kristin: White Dress (Splurge here, Steal here ) // Grey Suede Pumps (Splurge here, Steal here) // Pearl Earrings (Splurge here, Steal here) // Mother of Pearl Ring (Splurge here, Steal here) // Leather and Gemstone Bracelet (Splurge here, Steal here)
Olivia: White Floral Embroidered Dress (Similar here) // Eyelet Espadrilles (Available here)
Happy Mother’s Day to all you mammas and grammas out there!
I’ve been tweaking the blog for several weeks now, trying to prepare it to go live and it just so happens that the big day fell right on Mother’s Day! It’s quite a happy coincidence, as I feel like I’ve undergone a great deal of growth in the past year, in no small part because I’ve finally learned what it means to become a mother. Olivia is now nearly 10 months old — it’s flown by so fast, but at the same time it feels like so much has happened.
The first few months, despite the conventional wisdom, was pure bliss. I enjoyed time off for maternity leave, relishing every moment with my beautiful baby girl. Sure, there were some rough nights when she would cry for what seemed like hours, but that discomfort paled in comparison to the joy she has brought into my life.
The real challenge came when I returned to work — watching her cry as I left her behind in the morning (that all started around 6 months), was heartbreaking. Whenever I was away from her, I was thinking about her. And it hasn’t gotten any easier, despite the passage of time. Learning how to re-balance my life has also been no easy feat, as almost all mothers can attest to. I’ve sacrificed sleep, time with Jacob, time at work, and the list goes on and on. But, I wouldn’t change a thing. The time I invest in my little girl is priceless, and she deserves every ounce of love and time I can find within myself to give.
But, as with all things, it’s a balance, one that I won’t pretend to know how to achieve. How I demonstrate to Olivia that she is the center of my world, but also create the boundaries necessary to preserve both my and her independence will be an ongoing journey — one that will take years to work through and actually put into practice.
I already see little glimmers of fire within her — moments when, even at only 9 months old, she reminds me that she is her own unique person, independent from me and what I may hope she will be. The urge to smother her with affection, and influence her to be more like me (which is only natural as her mother), is tempered by my belief that one of my most important jobs as her mother is to teach her to identify who she is and what she wants — to be strong and independent. In other words, although it will hurt me, my job is to teach her to need me a little less and less each day.
For all you mothers out there, this sounds terrifying. Olivia has been with me for only 9 short months, and I’ve already experienced how powerful and wonderful it feels to be needed by her. It’s like a drug. One that I will fight for the rest of my life — I owe that to both of us. I can’t measure my self-worth by how much my daughter needs me, and Olivia can’t be handicapped by dependence on me — she can’t be afraid to experience life, to try new things, or to fail. Her life is her own, and while I will teach her certain core values and principles, I cannot take her choices from her, nor can I prevent her from experiencing the pain that some of her own choices will inevitably bring.
My mother did something wonderful for me when I was born. She wrote me a letter, which she gave to me not long after I graduated from college. I know now what she was feeling because I’ve felt many of those same emotions with Olivia in the last nine months. It also inspired me to write my own letter to Olivia, one that I keep in a book I created, along with letters from several of her other family members. One day, when the time is right, I’ll give it to her. Of course my letter is filled with affection and expressions of love, but it’s also filled with what I believe is the most important advice that I can give to Olivia as her mother. Below is a small passage.
“Know that mommy and daddy love you unconditionally. No matter what path you choose in life, we will always love you. Let every decision you make be based on principle, not emotion, opportunity, or selfishness. Never underestimate the power of hard work, discipline, and perseverance. Identify your God-given talents and cultivate them, but don’t shy away from your weaknesses — spend every day trying to improve. Don’t be afraid of failure because that’s when you learn life’s most valuable lessons.”
And so it begins — finding balance … teaching Olivia balance. I don’t think it will ever get easy, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying. To all the mothers out there — remember that letting go is probably one of the most powerful expressions of love.
Happy Mother’s Day,
Kristin
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